Ups and Downs: May 5th IMPACT Review

Ups and Downs: May 5th IMPACT Review
"Victory Road 2.0"

Down: The Hogan and Sting love story

So Hulk opens the show (shocker I know), and presumably so he can cut a promo on any of the sixteen people he’s currently feuding with right now. We can all rest easy now that these two are the bestest of friends yet again, and whilst this was lost in translation slightly – they could have drawn out the friction between the two but instead went with the quick fix – at least we witnessed Hulk admitting his ego got the best of him (if only he meant it).

A quick tangent, but why does every interaction with the Aces and Eights involve six man tag matches? (Or any variation for that matter). Sting suggests this like it actually matters, when all we’ve seen from these tag matches are wins and losses with little else substance. Unless it starts to cause friction between the group it just renders itself pointless.

Down: What happened to Team Sting?

Ah man, the one thing that could have peaked my interest slightly was the whole idea of Team Hogan vs Team Sting vs Aces and Eights. There’s some mileage in the mystique surrounding who Sting would pick to help fight his battle, and the subsequent rub it would give to those young guns. FK made an interesting point regarding Sting’s return and the lights going out, only for the likes of Crimson, Gunner and Jay Bradley appearing with Sting on the stage watching on. Tell me how something like that isn’t more interesting than Hogan and Sting teaming with a bunch of non-factors such as Magnus, Joe and Storm (because that’s how TNA perceives them), as they take on the Aces and Eights one by one? Youth matters.

With this turn of events it just continues to make a mockery of Sting, God forbid he’s nearing his late 50’s but this could been some interesting character development, that instead of being Hulk Hogan’s bitch all the time. What’s wrong with him continuing to rebel against Hulk? He’s been spoken to like utter crap for weeks and now he utters sweet nothings into his ear and “everything’s okay!!!” If Sting were to depart and take matters into his own hands it allows new avenues to be explored, for new and fresh talents to be accounted for, instead it’s Hulk and Sting against the world, and that’s how they want it.

Up: Thank you Matt Morgan

So apparently Morgan’s biggest flaw is running his mouth before he knows the full story, like that doesn’t apply to you Hulk. Yeah, you never took all your anger out on Sting when your senility was in full effect, you never…. Forget it, I won’t even try to rationalise.

I like Matt Morgan’s crystal ball, it’s marketable with a 99.9% accurate readability factor (AKA the ‘this is bullshit’ feature).

Up: Another solid X Division bout.

If I said picture a 2008 X Division match, well this would be pretty damn close. These types of matches seem to be the norm, and with the increased number of title defences there will be some good, and some not so good performances with this falling under the former. Whilst Sabin wasn’t asked to do a lot on his first appearance back in no way did he mail it in, I especially enjoyed the German suplex over the ropes involving all three, the little things matter sometimes.

The X Cam made another appearance, and whilst it still seems to be in the trail period it didn’t heavily influence the match, and that’s fine by me. I wasn’t a fan of the hard camera side being showcased so much though, we’ve seen below par crowds within the Impact Zone for years, no need to continue that tradition now TNA!

Down: Melancholy about Sabin in the X Division.

Forget the fact that another serious injury is more likely in these types of matches, forget about him reclaiming the X Division title, the real issue surrounds the division holding him back. Hell, management made a massive deal regarding his return and rightfully so, I also liked the comparisons of him being the Adrian Peterson of pro wrestling and that’s quite the phenomenon lately, (if you can call an ACL tear a phenomenon). It’s a story you can root for, and the fact he’s been in this company a hell of a long time only validates that to the hardcore fans clinging on to any semblance of what made TNA… well TNA.

The new look X Division doesn’t cater to storylines and character development, truthfully it’s what makes it work quite well, and there are complaints about how the title doesn’t feel as important but times have changed. With the return of old faces such as Dutt, Petey and fan voting/video game extraordinaire Suicide, there’s the danger of Sabin being lost in the shuffle. Guys like the aforementioned are novelty pieces, Sabin is worth so much more and I don’t mean that as an insult.

There are rumblings recently that Sabin and Roode are doing the rounds at live events and I love that! The Aries and Roode tag team looks to be coming to an end, and glancing back to last Summer the interaction between Roode and Sabin was fun. No one has busted their ass to become relevant in the main event scene as Bobby Roode has over the last two years, and truthfully Roode is now that much of a draw that he can perceive his opponent as a big deal. Step up Chris Sabin.

Up: He’s just enough sleazy to make this easy.

Kudos to you Godderz.

Down: Bischoff and Brisco have balls.

That’s cute boys, that’s cute.

Down: I hate handicap matches.

There is little I hate more than handicap matches, especially when it involves active members of your roster who are made out to be nothing more than enhancement talent. I understand Robbie E being in this situation, Jessie has less purpose and direction than Lindsey Lohan post-impressionable DUI but Joey Ryan? How does he go from an 87%er to this asinine routine?

Down: It’s cosplay time!

It says a lot when your tag team division revolves around the two most entertaining teams (whether that’s the segments or the build-up or the matches themselves), and neither are the champions. I mean cast your minds back, when has this division ever really built up Chavo and Hernandez? The build or anticipation we receive normally revolves around whatever Bad Influence and the Wet Dream Team will do next. It’s like TNA realise how unappealing the champions are yet just cast a blind eye towards it because of HOMETOWN POPS!!! and APPEASING THE LATINO VIEWERS!!!

This segment was another classic example of the back and forth verbiage we’ve come to expect from Bad Influence and the Wet Dream Team, and whether you think it’s childish and adolescent trades of abuse it hardly matters when it’s executed in this manner.

Oh, speaking of cosplay. It’s Hernandez and his little friend doing another imitation of his late uncle! And now the cheap imitation is mentioning talking, and what’s that? Kazarian noting that ‘at least they’re good at it’? I can’t even begin to transcend how great that is.

Yes I would like for one of these segments to last without Los Stereotypicos interrupting also.

Down: James Storm back on the road to nowhere.

I don’t understand this whatsoever. First of all Chavo and Hernandez are good guys right? So what can they possibly gain from naming a special referee who has history with all of the above challengers? We can’t possibly believe they’re doing it to gain an advantage because that goes against everything in the good guy code and ‘cheap pops 101’. The good guys are there to restore our faith in humanity, to make us believe they’re the ones facing the odds, not stacking them.

Secondly, James Storm? The King of irrelevant and outlandish booking strikes again. In which he went from feuding with Jessie Godderz throughout the UK tour to God forbid, an interesting and dynamic feud with AJ Styles and now special guest referee? Not only does it take any momentum he had only for it to be plunged into the depths of no man’s land but quite simply, it just makes no sense. If they’re trying to draw upon the friction between Roode and Storm, especially because Roode moments prior mentioned the beer bottle incident, that’s all well and good. But again why? That feud was left well alone at Bound For Glory and should stay there, it was a fitting way to close that chapter. Somehow I don’t think TNA are placing their eggs in the ‘reigniting of Roode-Storm chapter 58 thanks to James Storm and a fast count’ basket. Or maybe they are, it wouldn’t surprise me.

Down: Sunday Night Heat circa 1999

If the Aces and Eights’ best hope to take out Kurt Angle is D’lo Brown then they’re not making it through Slammiversary, where’s Wes Brisco and his stash of class A drugs when you need him?

I’m sure we saw this match on Sunday Night Heat years ago, it wouldn’t surprise me. I can’t and won’t divulge in this match more than I need to. It was D’lo Brown – whom in his heyday was a notch above ‘barely satisfactory’ – against Kurt Angle who seems to carry more people than a New York subway today. The only positive note is that it happened on a meaningless episode of Impact as opposed to Slammiversary.

I will say I like the tension throughout the group, Bully finally seems to be cracking slightly whilst the rest just coast along in first gear. I feel for a while now Bully truly inserting his authority and lifting the deadweight has been long overdue, if anything I’m interesting as to where they go with this D’lo threat next week. Mainly so I won’t see reruns of Sunday Night Heat on my screen.

Down: Ultimatums galore!

The main step to gaining a vital member on board: issue more ultimatums!

Up: Drawing upon history.

As I said above, another ultimatum probably pisses AJ off more than anything else, but I was a fan of the exchange. Beyond Angle getting a pop from a completely dead crowd he probably made the best case for AJ to join Team TNA. The capture of Angle in 2006 was a big deal for TNA, and for Angle to say AJ was the reason he joined TNA (work or not) that’s a resounding and emphatic endorsement. I’m sure the look Angle shot at AJ, which can only be described as a gaze filled with both bemusement and admiration for those long luscious locks of AJ only helped to further the cause.

Any time the history of certain individuals is drawn upon that’s something I can easily get behind, and I realise James Storm also made a similar speech to AJ regarding the Asylum days, so it’s nice to see the depths this storyline reaches in regards to historical references. Now compare those two pleas to Hogan’s ultimatum to AJ a few weeks ago? You can see how the whole ‘Hogan’s a dickhead 90% of the time’ scenario comes into play.

Down: Sloppy knockouts match.

You could say that the whole knockouts division is a contrived mess right now, and you could also say that commentary was a contrived mess which in turn didn’t help the match (understatement of the century). Something just felt off here, whether it was Taryn’s clotheslines (which were Velvet Sky-esque), or the lack of flow between Mickie and Gail which ultimately made for some stiff hits and poor communication. The fact is only Tara really seemed to be in control throughout, and that’s a testament to her.

Up: Figure Fours around a ring post rule.

Not only for the view, but it also looks like it legitimately hurts. Plus Gail most probably made Taryn scream more than Drew McIntyre ever did. Zing! I like how they’re continuing the feud between Taryn and Gail instead of ending it prematurely, we also witnessed Mickie and her disappearing act which only adds flames to the fire surrounding her heel turn.

Two potential, yet separate happenings within the division to look forward to? Colour me stupid.

Down: No Wes and Garrett?

Go with your two most established guys over the two handsome, young and next reincarnations of the Legion of Doom? Why Bully?!?!

Up: The robe rules.

Down: Wrestling with a shirt to hide your gut doesn’t rule.

Down: This match, the whole premise, Sting in 2013 contesting for a world title. Basically everything.

I realise not many people can get behind Matt Morgan, and me being the complete polar opposite probably goes against every rule in the book, but this is pro wrestling and diversity is good so there we go. Anyway, for all of those implying Morgan sucks, could he possibly suck any more than Sting here? Come on you guys.

I hated this, my God no part of me wishes to see Sting stumble around the ring winded from five minutes of in-ring action. He offered absolutely nothing outside of the few spots we’ve seen for the last twenty years or so (only this time he wore a shirt!!!) The issue surrounds Sting and his ability to put on a good match, his attacks aren’t believable, his gasping for breath after every other attack leaves me considering self-harming myself and the finish?

Down: Sting sitting down, taking a rest during a match.

Someone, please tell me how that looks in any way like it hurts? Stings bending Morgan’s legs at the knees! He’s sitting down with no firm grasp whatsoever! Earl Hebner raises Morgan’s hand twice (when it should be three times!!!)

Just fuck off with this bullshit.

Down: Kill me.

Look, I realise Sting is the subsequent piece in the puzzle in regards to Bully’s title reign. I’ve read all the comments, all the posts proclaiming all week long that ‘Sting is the logical fit to take TNA to the next level brother!’ Yes it makes sense, sometimes pro wrestling is so much more entertaining when continuity is in full effect and the pieces fall into place, but when the main piece involves Sting in the shape he’s in then you’ve gone wrong in your creative plans.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a detour and cutting your losses, altering your plans and still making Sting relevant in this whole storyline. Hell, if Sting comes out and says he can’t handle Bully one on one before handing this opportunity to Magnus then how is that a bad thing? Magnus gets a gigantic rub from the Icon and we get a main event we actually want to see, just don’t give me the whole ‘Sting is the logical fit and it HAS to be this way’ routine, nothing has to involve this.

The fact is Sting is ruining the direction of this company, ratings are dropping because the nostalgia factor is running dry. It’s not 1997 anymore, it’s 2013 and it’s just inexcusable. I may be overreacting slightly, but Sting’s performance here (and most likely at Slammiversary) will hurt this company just as much as the Jeff Hardy debacle at Victory Road.

It was that bad.