Ups and Downs: 5/9 IMPACT Wrestling Review

Ups and Downs: 5/9 IMPACT Wrestling Review
"Crotch-In Aries"

Down: Kurt Angle really needs to work on his people skills.

Tupelo is greeted to Sting and Kurt Angle making their entrance, and meanwhile Todd Kennelly showcases his lack of fundamental knowledge of pop culture in 2013 by relating to the Heartbreak Hotel. We hear Sting talk about his upcoming challenge with Bully (I’m nonchalant), Kurt also talks about the Aces and Eights and how he’s sick and tired of asking AJ where his head’s at (so why does he continue to ask?)

Enter AJ, and this swings either way depending on whether you’re still buying into the whole silent and mysterious routine, I can understand both arguments. You feel a new AJ is a fresh breath of air, and the longer his silence continues the more effective it is in the long run? I can buy that. Or maybe you feel the segments where AJ is confronted, only for the scowl to appear followed by the throwing of a punch and subsequent departure is cliché and repetitive storytelling? There is the worry of that too.

Personally I think it’s one of the most dynamic stories TNA have going for them right now – but when you’re comparing it against the weekly happenings (or lack of in this case) of Knux and Wes Brisco – then dynamic stories are a reach granted. Ever since AJ has returned the reasons why he felt unappreciated and left in the first place have been all too clear, and you can’t help but reason with him. I mean he’s not being asked politely what side he’s leaning towards, it’s more of a crap stained tirade from the likes of Storm, Angle, Hogan and co. And when they’re not demanding answers they’re challenging him to impromptu fights and/or issuing him countless ultimatums that if anything just pushes him further away. Obviously the role of AJ will involve him deliberating, and whilst that may seem frustrating and reek of lazy storytelling, it helps to drive home the fact that he’s a man with some interesting calls to make. I just hope Kurt Angle doesn’t take down his wife and start throwing punches when she doesn’t respond to ultimatums.

Maybe AJ just hacked Kurt’s Twitter and that’s why he’s really peed off.

Up: The house that AJ Styles built.

Oh man, the top things I love in pro wrestling involve continuity, well thought out and logical storytelling and fierce nods to the guys who helped to put you in the spot you’re in today. Sting may be getting under my skin with the fact he’s main eventing PPVs in 2013 and how he still wears shirts when he’s wrestling, but him putting AJ over so high that even Hogan needs a step ladder to find him was terrific (with him also referring to the similarities between AJ and Sting in his heyday). Let’s be honest, the position TNA is in right now are because of guys like AJ, guys like Samoa Joe, Daniels, Jeff Jarrett, Jerry Lynn, Sting and so on. But mainly because of those who have been there since day one and made this company what it is, and no Hogan, I didn’t miss your name off.

It’s great just for the little things that may not seem to mean much, but ultimately transpire in the way something like this did, the fans going all out for AJ? Of course that would make him smile inside, and if anything that would strongly sway him before Kurt Angle did Kurt Angle things. To go this route instead of the route WWE take – in regards to them treating ‘legends’ such as Mick Foley and Jim Ross like shit, but also having no second thoughts about milking their greatest moments and calls – is far more humane like. It’s nice to witness appreciation instead of ego inflation week after week.

Down: Are Tara and Jessie still a thing?

I just wondered, you know with them rarely being seen together for weeks on end.

Down: Mix and match.

Again, I’ve beat this horse to death before regarding the lack of new faces in the knockout division, but it just seems to be the case of the same people in different roles. We had this exact same match last week except Taryn took the place of Velvet, so if we’re looking for something new and innovate we’re unlikely to find it here.

Case and point in Gail Kim’s current major heel tendancies shining through, yes it’s always nice to see her legs wrapped around others on the ring post (ahem), but we’ve seen the Gail turns heel and dominates the division movie before, we’ve all got the t-shirts. At least if you’re looking for something partially new then you turn Mickie heel, it’s been called for months and could have been executed so easily on numerous occasions, instead we may as well replay Gail’s first run in TNA and play spot the difference.

Aside from Tara’s stream of losses there’s also the curious case of Velvet Sky, not counting the millimetres involving that skirt (do we call it a skirt? Isn’t it just a belt with a frilly thing on the end?) I fear prostitutes look at that outfit, try and locate Velvet on speed dial and ask for some retail therapy guidance. Anyway I digress, I’ve documented before the lack of impact Velvet’s reign has had. Since she’s become champion who amongst the roster has actually shown an interest in capturing her title? What bearing has she as champion had over any of the prototypical storylines within the division? Gail-Taryn seems to have more substance, more time invested and a better reaction from the crowds therefore it’s been prioritised. The same could be said for other happenings, and as we’re weeks closer to Slammiversary we’re much more likely headed for Gail vs Taryn with no likely opponent for Velvet. It’s a shame, it truly is but how do we buy into her as champion?

Up: TNA moving timeslots

Seemingly back to the 80s so Hogan can matter. But seriously this is great news, Bellator is moving days so they can’t leech off TNA’s ratings, and there seems to be some common ground between TNA and Spike.

Up: We could be threetune.

I don’t know why Daniels has two (TWO!) appletinis but I won’t question the brilliance, and the fact James Storm has a beer bottle opener on his hat… well it just makes too much sense.

Down: The irony is well… ironic.

The fate of D’lo is upon us, and the fact that he’s being forced out purely for jobbing leads me to wonder how there are any members left at all. I could count all the losses the faction has suffered since their debut but I’m sure I’d need a degree in maths. I think D’lo needs to be commended for more than just allowing the group onto the premises week after week, hell I’m sure he had some pull with the higher ups regarding the ‘Wes Brisco being ready for TV’ debate, Wes Brisco and his drug riddled antics ready for live TV? Come on man, D’lo is Mother Theresa!

Up: Pushing Magnus

As for the match, it was what you’d expect, nothing flashy but a good, solid bout. DOC is an odd case, because he’s been around for quite some time now yet I still don’t feel comfortable in making a solid judgment on his ability. Given a chance he could be something, what that something is I’m not sure, but I like his look and what he could possibly bring to the table.

As for Magnus however, I have no reservations about his ability whatsoever. He’s ready for whatever ball TNA wants to place in his court, and therein lies the problem, it just seems like TNA are hesitant in pulling the trigger. Is it the boyish good looks? The appeal of an international face? The improved in-ring ability? I can see why TNA have problems with a talent like this…

Up: Fake hammer strikes again.

He’s gone from being a dark match jobber to the motorcycle jobber. Apparently you’ll never clean bikes alone, unless you’re D’lo that is.

I’ve seen the points stating the irrelevance of maintaining D’lo as a member of the club, how it sets a precedence of losing yet keeping your colours but think about it, it also shows the depths each member will go to feel entitled. We’re talking about a faction that besides from its questionable booking always talks about how each member will never walk alone, and whilst that point seems counterproductive with the treatment of D’lo and the events of last week it preaches the loyalty required. That’s got to be something right?

Down: Hulk’s doctor said he can’t wrestle.

In addition to 99% of the whole of America (the exception being Linda Hogan, The Iron Sheik and The Ultimate Warrior).

And in the words of Sheiky himself: “f**k the Hulk Hogan raisin balls”.

Down: Needless pandering.

Looking back on Roode-Storm and you’d be hard pressed to find many more fierce and personal rivalries over the years, and I’ve said before the way they ended it last year was as close to a dream scenario as you could imagine. So for Aries and Roode to approach Storm, and for Roode to say what he said (regardless of how much he didn’t mean it) just seems to cheapen not only their rivalry, but also Roode as an individual (whom during his run as champ spat in the face of Dixie Carter for crying out loud!) I feel it protects Roode more if you just see Aries going behind his partner’s back to talk to Storm, not only does it further the potential strain between the Wet Dream Team, but it also helps the match survive without the need for every single individual involved kissing Storm’s ass.

Down: Christy Hemme, my God.

Christy ‘this bout is scheduled for one fall” Hemme strikes again.

“Introducing first, your special guest referee: Stone Cold Steve Austin!”

Production truck: “Erm Christy, you’re a decade late, and the guy drinking beer and playing to the crowd? That’s James Storm.”

*Christy incoherently giggles in the face of Austin Aries’ crotch.*

Production truck: Can we get JB? Stat.

I realise both Bad Influence and the Wet Dream Team are concurrently as awesome as each other, but I have no words…

…Apart from Crotch-in Aries. Amirite?

Up: Crotch-in Aries.

That probably makes for an adult movie in hindsight, but regardless when she announced Aries and Roode as the Bad Influence and they both just stared at her in utter disbelief.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Up: Crotch-in Aries makes all the girls giggle.

I genuinely cannot contain how much this segment made me laugh, pro wrestling is a beautiful thing and I love both tag teams. This is why TNA are way up there as opposed to every other promotion, purely for moments like this.

Up: THE WHOLE MATCH.

Beer Money and the MCMG went for a best of 5 series, I wouldn’t be against a Bad Influence-Wet Dream Team best of ‘however many matches until they retire’ series. Just shut up TNA and take all of my money!

Seriously, it can never been understated how supremely gifted all four men are. In the case of Daniels and Kazarian, you get the feeling every time they turn up to work they’re punching in their timecards with ultimate joy, regardless of how many times they’re asked to job to Los Stereotypicos. I feel as wrestling fans that’s all we should ask for, in a world which is rife with scripted lines and Rob Terry squash matches we can fully appreciate Daniels and Kazarian drinking appletinis, saying whatever they want and just having fun – It can really be that simple.

Aries and Roode are little removed from that same sentiment, both share an underlying chemistry with that perfect balance of a love/hate relationship. When examining TNA as a whole they should be truly grateful what type of talents they have here, and if WWE weren’t such shallow and selfish pricks looking to mould every talent into their own then all four would probably be in NXT right now, (probably along the lines of Roode Robertson and so on). Don’t get me wrong, no way would I ever want any of these four to leave TNA until they set off into the sunset, they’re just too important, and yet I don’t feel TNA truly realise it.

The tag team division has got to the point now where I don’t care where the titles are, Chavo and Hernandez can defend their straps against the likes of Wes Brisco and Garrett Bischoff and it wouldn’t irk me whatsoever, purely because on the other side of the spectrum we would have Bad Influence-Wet Dream Team for the 36th time. In most cases the title makes wrestlers, it validates them in a way. Looking at these two teams I don’t feel that’s the case, it sounds odd but a build up that would involve cheap and childish remarks trumps feuding over a title. That’s a true indictment on all involved.

Somewhere within all the chaos, Aries sold a dropkick like the Greatest Man That Ever Lived. You mean he already is? Okay, carry on.

Down: James Storm is worse than Earl Hebner.

If I wasn’t so enamoured with the match itself then Storm as special referee would have ruined it for me. Look, I get the point that Daniels holding Aries’ tights is an offense but is it deserving of a superkick? It goes back to the point last week about Storm’s inclusion causing more harm than good, it just feels like he’s stuck in first gear therefore suffering from the dreaded ‘good guy on the risk of being booed’ syndrome, AKA the ‘I’m acting like a douche for no reason’ program currently shared with Sheamus.

Down: So long Magnus.

Remember what I said about Magnus up there? Forget about it, forget about it all.

I don’t get it, does Magnus receive 25% off flights back to the UK every time he’s written out by the Aces and Eights? Does he have another Gladiator-esque show to film on Challenge? There’s something distasteful about one of your up-and-comers – who if anything needs more face time – being sidelined in what it seems like once a month. There’s got to be a time in which TNA are fully decided in what direction they’re heading with Magnus, because he won’t be around forever and he has that ‘it’ factor.

Down: Tick, tock. A character brought back to life from an underwhelming video game in 2008 is back!

Jury’s still out on this one. Unless the real mystery revolves around how many masks there are beneath the Suicide mask, maybe Rubix is under a Puma mask, which is then engulfed by Sin Cara before revealing Suicide. But is it really Suicide?!?!

Down: Chris, who dressed you?

You’re the man and all, but seriously.

Up: I LIKE THIS X DIVISION.

“I’ve spent my last two years basically in two places, physical rehabilitation and my basement”.

The vast majority of the IWC: “Me too! I’ve spent time in my basement!”

I’ve said it before and will say it again, today’s X Division is at the stage where more focus needs to be placed on matches and less on storylines, that effectively is in place for guys who have all the God given talent yet can’t string a story together. If we’re talking about a Kenny King and a Chris Sabin enhancing a feud beyond what happens when the bell rings however? Yeah you’re damn right I want to see Kenny talk trash about Sabin, you’re damn right I want to see an exception to the triple threat rules they have in place, even if it’s just accounting for single bouts at PPVs. Point being this would be a great way to make an X Division title defense captivating with some real meaning, make this happen guys.

Up: The Bound For Glory is back.

One concept TNA have nailed year after year.

Down: Don’t place Wes in charge of the women Bully, don’t be that guy!

Would you want this guy being in charge of the women?

Up: Abyss/Joseph Park/this is pretty awesome.

TNA did a great job throughout the evening building up the potential third partner, starting with AJ before turning to Magnus, both were eliminated which led us to question where they were going. I don’t know about you guys but the majority of the show left me excited at the possible return of a big name (with legitimate thoughts surrounding Goldberg, Batista and Abyss himself). Point being this show had a hook from the word go, that keeps viewers enthralled and it ultimately made it a big deal. The well documented fact that the Joseph Park character was running stale must have become apparent to TNA, I mean there’s only so much you can do with a bumbling lawyer who only needed three weeks wrestling training in OVW. Crossing his paths with Abyss yet again is a wise move, because getting rid of Joe Park altogether would be suicide.

When we talk about Abyss do we classify him as TNA’s saviour however? It’s an odd situation as you would normally associate that role with someone like Hardy who moves merch, or Storm who’s an original, or even AJ who is the universal face of the company. Instead can we believe Abyss is that guy? No doubt it still sets up for AJ to be the ultimate hero and that’s fine, here’s hoping they just make Abyss kind of a big deal before Hogan decides to cut his balls off.

Abyss has always evoked much emotion, and I’m not sure I’ve ever witnessed a wrestler whose one persona is so much more endearing to the public than their other identity (in this case Abyss vs Joseph Park). Of course Abyss has his fans, but Joseph Park was such a breath of fresh air and simply caught on with the neutrals, that ultimately gave him a head start from the word go. I have faith that both Abyss and Joseph Park can exist simultaneously, not because of TNA’s judgment but more of an appreciated glance towards Chris Park and how he’s reinvented himself.

That being said, Abyss didn’t look great, the slow run-in coupled with the big boots that weren’t that big, to top it off you could talk about him almost falling over Devon and the weak(ish) looking chokeslam. This all happened within a 30 second time lapse so we could chalk it up to one of those things, that’s what I hope it is at least.

But it makes sense, and I like big returns. Unless we’re talking about Abyss’ inexplicable 10 second cameo before Sacrifice last year, that sucked.