Ups and Downs: April 25th IMPACT Review
"Fortune Four and the misfortune of WCW Nitro in 2013"
"Fortune Four and the misfortune of WCW Nitro in 2013"
Disclaimer: It may be out of left field slightly, but the TNAsylum 3 year anniversary is upon us, which is a pretty cool accomplishment in itself. I’ve been asked to write a specific column and I’m stumped, if you have any ideas give me a shout! I’d appreciate it.
Down: So they’re banned now?
Did I miss the memo in which they weren’t allowed in the arena, Hogan didn’t want to strip Bully’s world title because that would be ‘too easy’, and now he’s willing to step up security just so they can’t enter the building.
Of course they enter anyway, because that’s how this works.
Down: Wes Brisco stop making those drug riddled faces!
I mean seriously.
Up: A Fortune reunion needs to be on the cards
I realise this was nothing more than wishful thinking on the part of Daniels and Kaz, and perhaps the higher ups thought one last crap stained nod towards the whole Immortal-Fortune feud was needed, but I could definitely get on board with this. I noted last week how a Fortune reunion would not only be awesome to watch, but it could tie in with the whole TNA vs Aces and Eights vs Sting’s army routine they have going on, and we all know how much TNA love a good battle between numerous factions.
Down: A dumb cowboy
James Storm obviously hasn’t been watching Impact for the last 12 months, because we all know when a good guy calls out the Aces and Eights and proceeds to note how he’ll take them all out himself, well chances are the polar opposite occurs. Again this substantiates the argument about how the faces have no real plan regarding the numbers game, they just come out by themselves knowing full well that an Aces and Eights greeting courtesy of Bully and co is transparent.
Up: Understanding the premise
God forbid I actually am on board with the understanding of something the Aces and Eights are trying to accomplish, but the attacks over the last two weeks have actually made sense. Of course we’ve seen them take out numerous individuals before only for the complete and utter disregard to continuity, and forgive us if we don’t buy these assaults as damaging – I’m looking at you in particular Kurt Angle – but it seems they’re finally appreciating how devastating these attacks should be perceived, and they’re getting them over as such.
The premise is simple – remove each member of Hogan’s army, first it was Jeff Hardy, then Kurt Angle, followed by Magnus, Joe and now Joseph Park. It’s a simple concept yet works when the attacks are actually resulting in extended spells on the sideline, the issue now lies within Hulk Hogan having no one to turn to aside from his thoughts of home grown moustaches and the cancellation of Hogan Knows Best. Of course that plan didn’t work out so well (more on that later).
Up: Making someone feel like a big deal
You can talk about the ring rust Taryn needs to shrug off, and how it’s the prototypical blonde bombshell which seems to accompany most (if not all) of women’s wrestling in 2013. And whilst it’s disheartening to see Tara being pushed to the wayside like this, you can’t deny that when Taryn wins the knockout championship it will be perceived as a big deal and people will actually care, I applaud TNA for that.
Oh, and don’t give me none of the ‘Taryn only gets over because of her looks and the resulting wet patches in 80% of the pants of teenagers’, I don’t buy that at all!
Okay, point taken.
Down: Production values (or lackof)
Ergh, we can see Hulk standing there momentarily waiting for his cue. TNA you’ve been live for a good 14 months now, mistakes like this are just poor.
Down: Rob Terry
Call me a wrestling purist, but there’s no part of me that wants to see Rob Terry and Jesse Godderz calling spots to each other during a match, which coincidentally is on a parallel to one dog telling another where and when their testicles should be licked. Breaking up the Robbies was a terrible call, but going on two years strong it was probably a case of overkill to the highest order. The problem is Robbie E can survive in a comedic role, Rob Terry meanwhile offers nothing outside of HGH abuse. He just can’t endure something that doesn’t involve personal beef with his former cardigan wearing BFF, and no one will ever take him as a legitimate threat (mainly because he wore cardigans with his BFF).
It seems TNA have been stuck in a rut with him that has lasted three long years, trying with Rob Terry is the definition of not learning from past mistakes. You could say Rob Terry is the new Matt Morgan, but TNA are still trying their damnest to make the old Matt Morgan work. It’s time to pull the plug here.
Down: No more Aries and Roode?
TNA stop pulling on my heartstrings, you can’t make me choose between Fortune and the Wet Dream Team!
Up: A nod to continuity
I don’t know, there’s not much gratification surrounding a man supposedly calling it a day and retiring, but of course we’re talking about pro wrestling here so take your pinch of salt with anything and everything.
But yeah, it’s believable that Jeff Hardy – after suffering that hammer shot – would have considered retiring, and it’s nice for us to suspend our belief in the meanwhile. Hardy received high praise for his performance two weeks ago, the numerous bumps brought us to the Jeff Hardy of old as opposed to the Jeff Hardy and his CREATURESSS of recent memory. If he were to call it a day and leave it all in the ring you couldn’t have asked for a more fitting end than his match with Bully, and especially when you take into account the history between the two.
But no doubt he’ll return, and whilst we all expect it, there’s no harm in making it as plausible as possible.
Up: Hail Sabin
Don’t let my recent comments about how Sabin should never be a world champion deter you, I am a huge fan of his, and no one deserves acknowledgment and respect more than someone who has come back from two torn ACLs. I mean that is just phenomenal, we see the dreaded ACL in the likes of American football all the time, and even for those athletes it’s a gruesome injury. So for someone in a ‘fake’ sport and in a ‘predetermined world’ to come back on two separate occasions, the mind boggles. It’s also a big two fingers up to any doubters.
All Hail Sabin indeed.
Up: Tugging of my heartstrings continues
Ah man, teasing the breakup of Aries and Roode isn’t a good thing, but I appreciated the way this segment unfolded. It’s an indictment on the duo and they really sold it as a big deal, Aries is a narcissistic and dickhead-ish individual, and whilst his feelings shouldn’t be hurt by them possibly disbanding they were. Not only does it show another side to Aries but Roode was also slightly perplexed, the duo weren’t expected to be best friends with Aries acknowledging that exact sentiment himself, but they might just be closer than anyone thinks. That’s what makes pro wrestling so great, the unnatural becoming more natural and organic as time progressed, big thumbs up.
Up: Chris Daniels
Appletini connoisseur, WTTCOTW part deux and now the best colour commentator in Impact. I approve.
Up: No championships needed
Credit TNA for connecting the dots between several storylines, in this case the dots being AJ Styles’ will he/won’t he dilemma, the Aces and Eights and the teasing of Fortune reuniting. It looks like we’re now getting Bad Influence vs the Wet Dream Team, it doesn’t require the tag team titles (because they’re too awesome to need the straps) and I’m perfectly fine with that.
The problem is we now need a credible team to face Los Stereotypicos at Slammiversary, unless they go the lazy route and book them against the aforementioned awesome duo in a three way. To be honest this would be something I wouldn’t fully endorse, considering they wore out the three way tag title bout at Bound For Glory and it quite frankly left a lot to be desired.
Up: Matt fricking Morgan
That sound you hear? That’s the Matt Morgan bandwagon in full flow, with myself pioneering it. We’ve heard it all regarding Morgan over the years, whether it’s how the stuttering gimmick ruined him, how he can’t cut a decent promo, or even how his in ring work leaves a lot to be desired. He came out and cut a succinct and relevant promo stating why he should be that guy, he even pleaded for an opportunity, only for Hulk to do what he does best and take any semblance of rational thinking out of the equation.
It’s sad that Sting and Hogan received the only overwhelming cheers on this show, but that’s the casual fan in effect for you. As the segment went on though Morgan genuinely won some people around, which is all you can ask for in a situation like this. I’m not even sure where they’re going with this, and I still think Morgan will get his big shot – because it’s more than well deserved – so right now I’m melancholy about the whole situation.
Until then Hulk, you continue to ride the self-serving ego train with constant displays of senility. You work it so well.
Down: A bum knee or just lack of wrestling ability?
This match didn’t work for me, at all. Be it Mickie working on alternate legs throughout which completely made a mockery of the ‘injury’, or Velvet showcasing her terrible in-ring presence by completely faking out of Mickie’s enziguri, it just felt forced. Is the Velvet injury as serious as they let on here or is it just there for storyline purposes? I get the idea is to make Mickie showcase her heel tendencies by working on the weak spot (and I’m not talking about Velvet’s wrestling skills either), but I have no wish to see Velvet Sky roll around on the floor for five minutes clutching her knee.
Down: Hogan’s missing hair extensions
He just looks lost without them, poor soul.
Down: Oh, TNA.
Okay, so after months of constant jobbing and a lack of direction that hurt the group more than anything we’re now back to square one, (and if you don’t think wins and losses matter then I don’t know what to tell you). There was a renewed sense of hope when Bully was revealed, something to make the group seem formidable as opposed to an irritant, but since then Bully in particular has just seemed too one dimensional. What do we have to look forward to? Bully asking us every week do we know who he is? Group attacks with little substance? We’ve been there before. The sad thing is that Bully is capable of much more varied acts, the bully routine worked when he was languishing in mid card feuds but shouldn’t we be expecting more diverse performances now? To me it only makes sense.
This closing segment was so TNA-esque, I could no nothing but laugh at the hilarity. A half crippled Hulk Hogan delivers three weak looking punches and Bully high tails it out of the ring, no doubt they would have regrouped and delivered the group attack they’re known so well for but the damage had already been done. I cannot suspend my belief – even for a second – in regards to Bully simply taking those punches, or Sting taking out every single member yet again with BIG BLACK BAT!!! They may as well have delivered all their testicles on a silver platter. There’s making a storyline run for the sake of it, and then there’s crapping all over your world champion and top faction with no sound reasoning.
Then we move on to Sting, Sting and his 35th return in the last year it seems. Look I’m a big fan of Steve Borden, but if you were to look up his TNA tenure in the dictionary you’d find the words ‘one dimensional’ emblazoned across the front cover. It’s the same routine in which he’ll alter his persona slightly to agitate and be victorious over (insert list of heel faction here), the mind games list solely of dark lights, BIG BLACK BAT before ultimately ending with a ferocious stroking of his lower areas from Dixie. It’s just grown tiresome, he was sidelined after the original attack following Slammiversary, once again after DOC’s hammer attack and this time he was banished by Hulk Hogan. Each time he returns with the darker lights and the BIGGER BLACK BATS.
Let me play Vince Russo Jr for one moment, what would be so horrifying about any of these scenarios?
1. Sting returns, but with those (younger and more refreshing) talents who were originally shelved, to help overcome the Aces and Eights (because a group brawl is more dynamic than two OAPs against a group of perceived important fixtures).
2. Leave the Aces and Eights standing tall, because then we would still be able to connect the dots amid the ongoing friction between Sting and Hogan (which would result in separate armies) to counter the pressure from Bully and co.
There’s so many other scenarios, and I understand the premise I do. Hulk is in last man standing mode, he has no more guys to help aid his battle, so he goes out in full adrenaline mode, delivers a few punches to Bully therefore leaving him stunned momentarily. I also understand Sting returning – because he’s been the main fixture since day one – and I like the idea of there being two separate armies led by both Hogan and Sting. It helps to establish new stars whilst also leaving us asking questions as to who will end up in each camp, I dig that approach. But consider how easy it is to dispatch of the group why are bodies needed? I just don’t think TNA are going in with the mindset of forming new protagonists as opposed to furthering Hogan and Sting’s legacies, and that’s sad.
Down: Spot the difference.
Oh shit.
